So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
and she was petting her beer can
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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