from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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