Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
