Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
