when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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