I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
how do flat chested girls get laid?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
