I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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