so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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