I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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