Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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