upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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