As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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