me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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