an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
