I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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