I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
