god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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