there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
