someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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