What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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