so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
