I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
