I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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