i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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