no, he came in my armpit
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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