I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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