me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
