New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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