last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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