pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
sick fucks of a feather flock together
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
