uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
