Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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