i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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