I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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