They should really pass out barf bags in church
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
