i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
