So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
The adults are the big ones right?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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