Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
