actually, I'm a sock model
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
