sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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