You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
