I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
