she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Randomize
