The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Randomize
