Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
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