Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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