I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Randomize
