Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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