As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
