I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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