ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
