i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Less talking, more tequila
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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